The reunion...

We met at noon on Saturday, October 27, 2012.  We all agreed to meet at Lewis and Clark restaurant which is located on Saint Charles Main Street.  It was a beautiful day filled with sunshine and warmth.  I parked my car by the river front and walked the cobblestone street to the restaurant.  As I mentioned previous I had included two pictures of myself in my letter to Mary.  Mary, Michael and my sister-in-law Cindy all three knew what I looked like, I on the other hand had no idea what they looked like.  As I walked down Main Street towards the restaurant I actually passed the three of them as they were walking towards the restaurant and looking in shop windows.  I had made a reservation in Mary’s married name and told the hostess I was here and waiting for three others.  The hostess asked me if I wanted to sit at the table or wait in the entry way.  I chose to wait in the entry way as I was so nervous.  I sat down, I stood up and repeated, then realizing I could not breathe (nerves) I decided to step outside and get some air.   I opened the door to exit the restaurant and stand outside and as I opened the door there stood Mary, as if I was opening the door for her to enter the restaurant.  However, I had no clue that was Mary my sister on the other side of the door; it had appeared that I was opening the door for Mary to enter.  Mary said “Carol” I looked at her square in the eyes and said “Mary?” Mary said “where are you going?” I said, “I couldn’t breathe and needed some air” Mary said “that’s okay, I can’t breathe either”, we laughed. Being we were blocking the doorway now we all stepped outside to meet and introduce ourselves.  Mary opened her arms to hug me and I hugged her right back.  Mary introduced me to Cindy and we embraced, then Michael, I said to him “and you must be Michael” he smiled from ear to ear and reached out to hug me.  Michael is 6 foot something and when he hugged me I knew I was hugged.  Those hugs that day were the BEST hugs EVER for me!  To be 50 and just meet your siblings for the first time is breathtaking, it is surreal!

We decided to step inside the restaurant and get our table.  The waiter was there immediately and took our drink order, all of us ordering ice-tea with lemon.  Until the drinks came we all just looked at one another smiling, no words exchanged.  The waiter delivered the teas, Mary requested the waiter not to come back to our table for a good hour as we had a lot to discuss.   Mary is definitely the oldest of the three and by that I mean a real “take charge” person.  I too am a “take charge” person, I let Mary steer us in whatever direction she wanted this to take, I didn't care, I was just so happy.

Mary had asked me to fill Michael in on the discovery process and to explain to him why I took so long to search for Dorothy and them.  Both have since told me on many occasions that they wished I would have decided to search sooner, so much time we could have spent together.    

Like I mentioned before Mary is 20 years older than me, which makes her 70 until her next birthday in July.  Michael is 15 years older than me and is 65 until his next birthday in October and Cindy is one year older than me and is soon to be 52.  Mary is married to John and never had children.  Michael is married to Cindy and they never had children, and I am not married and no children. 

We talked and talked and talked, never without words or things to discuss.  We talked of Dorothy of course and how she would love that we were together.  I believe that Dorothy had a hand in this, I don’t know how but I strongly feel she wanted us to meet and be together.

We ordered our lunch and all ate slowly.  My mind started moving forward to our time ending and I felt extreme sadness as I never wanted the day to end.  I also felt anxious as I wanted them to be in my life forever, I didn’t want to force anything, but at the same time I needed some reassurance of their feelings of wanting to be in my life too.  Friday evening I had baked a pumpkin roll for dessert and depending on how the afternoon went I was going to invite them back to my home.  The afternoon at the restaurant went wonderfully so I extended an invitation to them to come back to my home for dessert and coffee.  I also said I would like to show them my baby album.  Mary responded first that she would LOVE to come to my home for dessert and coffee and look at pictures.  It was obvious that no one wanted the day to end.    We decided that Mary would ride in my car with me and Michael and Cindy would follow.  This gave Mary and I time to chat privately as we had spoken several times on the telephone prior to this meeting.  At a stop light I asked Mary “so where do we go from here? Will you and Michael still want to keep in touch with me?”  Mary said “Oh my dear, YES, we are family”. 

When we arrived at my home I started a pot of coffee and served the pumpkin roll with pumpkin ice-cream, everyone commenting that the dessert was heavenly and they would “keep me”.  After the dessert I broke out my baby album.  They quickly saw that I was born a red head and made mention of this saying that all of Dorothy’s siblings and children of the siblings were all born with red hair and that this trait completely confirms that I am her daughter, no doubt.  I mentioned that my hair slowly started turning towards blonde and by the time I was 2 years old I was a toe head. Mary said “yes, that is exactly how it happened with me and Michael too”.   

We spent hours together talking and laughing, exchanging mobile numbers and email addresses and talking of seeing one another again.  We hugged and hugged again, each telling me that they loved me and I too felt the same way about them and shared that with them.  The entire day was heaven sent.  I hated for it to end but it was the beginning of a beautiful relationship with each of them. 

This reunion was beautiful and wonderful but also bittersweet as I so wanted to meet Dorothy.  Dorothy was missing from this joyous reunion.  I know she was there with us in spirit and in her children’s hearts. According to Mary and Michael, Dorothy suffered great sadness after returning home from her “depression”, Dorothy rarely laughed, rarely smiled ever again.  Sad part is no one knew what was wrong; no one knew how to help Dorothy as Dorothy did not share the news of her pregnancy with any family member.

More to come….

Telling Michael....

As I mentioned in a previous post Mary was concerned about Michael’s reaction to discovering that his Mother kept such a huge secret and that he now had another sister.  Mary made arrangements to fly into STL on Thursday, October 25, 2012.  Mary had telephoned Michael several weeks prior to her visit to let him know she was going to come into town again.  Michael was concerned, very concerned that something was wrong with Mary, why else would she come into town when she was just here in the beginning of August.  Mary’s plane landed at Lambert at 11pm on 10/25, Michael was there to pick her up and drive her back to his home to spend the weekend and first couple days of the following week.  Mary had told me on one of our telephone conversations that she would wait to tell Michael the news until first thing Friday morning, after they all had a good night’s sleep.  Michael took several days off from work to spend time with Mary while she was in town.  I was on pins and needles as Mary told me that “if” Michael was not accepting of the news that she would have to postpone the “reunion”  for another time, another visit to STL.  I could barely stand hearing that, I really kicked up my prayers asking, begging, pleading with God to have their talk go smooth and to have Michael accept the news, accept me and have a desire to meet me.  I normally pray for God’s will, not this time, I told God what I wanted to become of this over and over, like a broken record.  I was relentless!  Looking back on this moment in time I see that my faith was weak over this journey in my life, I so wanted to learn more about my Mother, I so wanted a sister and a brother, I so wanted this to work out, I was so worried and anxious over the outcome not being in my favor that I forgot to keep the faith. 

Mary promised she would call me Friday afternoon and let me know how Michael handled the news and if positive we would all meet at a restaurant on Saturday afternoon to have our reunion.   Friday morning  October 26^th   while  I am at work my mobile phone rang, my caller-Id said it was Mary.  My heart stopped, why was she calling me so early in the day? Mary told me she would call me in the afternoon.  Immediately I grabbed the phone, answered it and bee lined for a private office to talk.  Mary was VERY cheerful and told me that when Michael picked her up at the airport that he was questioning her so much as to why she was in town, wanting to know what was wrong, insisting to know why and know now.  Mary managed to keep Michaels questions at bay in the car,  when they got inside of Michael’s home and got settled Mary took out the letter and pictures I had sent to her in August and showed the letter to Michael.  Michael was ecstatic to hear the news of having a new sister, he had so many questions that he and Mary stayed up all night talking of this “good and happy” news.  They also spoke of the sadness they saw their Mother go through and now understand what was wrong, wishing they would have known sooner so they could help her. Dorothy was grieving the loss of a child.  Upon hearing Mary tell me over the telephone that she and Michael looked forward to meeting me in person on Saturday I too was ecstatic and could barely focus the remainder of the day.

Proverbs 16:3

Invite the LORD into whatever you do and your plan will succeed.

Commit your works to the Lord and

your plans will be established.

Proverbs 16:3

Peace...

May today there be peace within.

 May you trust that

you are exactly where you are

meant to be.

May you not forget the infinite

possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others.

May you use the gifts that

you have received,

and pass on the love that has

been given to you.

 May you be content knowing

you are a child of God.

Let this presence settle into your bones and allow

your soul the freedom to sing,

dance, praise and love.

It is there for each and every

one of us.

and still more....

Mary mentioned she would mail to me some pictures of Dorothy but added that she wanted to meet me in person and soon.  She said she was just in Missouri visiting Michael and his wife Cindy and visited them yearly.  Mary said she was leaving on a cruise with her husband John but that when she returned home she would return to Missouri to meet me.  Mary asked me one favor; she wanted to be the one to tell Michael.  Mary said that Michael was Dorothy’s caregiver and they were very close, she wanted the news of me to come from her.  I agreed. 

more of the conversation....

I mentioned to Mary in our conversation that I would mail her a copy of my birth certificate if she needed to see proof that I am Dorothy’s daughter.  Mary said and this I do remember word for word, “Oh Carol, I don’t need to see any proof, you look exactly like Dorothy”. This gave me chills, happy chills.  Mary said when she opened the letter that my pictures fell out.  Mary said she didn’t know who I was but knew I was related to her.  Dorothy was 5’8, I am 5’8.  Dorothy had hazel eyes, I have hazel eyes.  Dorothy had natural blonde hair, I have natural blonde hair.  My facial features are exactly like Dorothy’s: ears, eyes, nose, cheek bones, everything is the same.  I found out Dorothy was quiet and serene, me, not so much.  Dorothy saved 4 cents of every nickel, me, not so much.  Dorothy was a very private person, me, not so much.  Dorothy loved to embroidery, me, I never tired it, I will someday as I might have a talent I have yet to discover. 

Conversation continued...

I found out so much from my conversation with Mary that day.  Dorothy was one of 10 children, 3 boys and 7 girls.  All of whom are deceased with the exception of one, my Aunt Viola who currently lives in Iowa.  As of today writing this post I have yet to meet her, Lord willing I will be meeting her this upcoming May and will of course post of that reunion. 

Of the nine deceased brothers and sisters all died before the age of 60 with the exception of two, Clara lived until 75 and Lawrence lived until 69. 

My mother, Dorothy died at age 58 from Cardiomyopathy. Dorothy suffered a stroke at the young age of 50 and ended up incapacitated and in a full time nursing facility where she died 8 years later.   

Mary was quick to tell me that heart disease runs in the family and I should be sure to get that checked out.  I actually do have Mitral Valve prolapse, which is quite common and minor, I have it monitored by having an echocardiogram every other year. 

The conversation....

While looking at the phone to see what time Mary called me, my phone rang and it was Mary calling me again.  I answered the phone with a simple “Hello”.  The conversation started off slow and full of apprehension on both of our parts.  It seems to me now that we both wanted something to become of this “new” finding, this new relationship that was just budding, that we did not want to say anything wrong that could hurt the other right out of the gate. 

I wish I could tell you that I remember the conversation word for word.  I do remember the highlights word for word, the little blips that mean so much to me to this day.  The BIG thing from the conversation was that Mary knew nothing about my birth.  Mary had no idea that I was ever even born nor did she know that Dorothy, her Mother was even pregnant with me. 

I know what you are thinking right about now…NO WAY, you can’t hide a pregnancy?!  Well Dorothy did.  Dorothy had to conceive me in April 1961 in order for me to be born in January 1962.  In May she told her family, Mary and Michael that she was feeling depressed and that she needed to seek help.  She told them she needed to “go away” for awhile.  She needed to feel better.  Dorothy took a leave of absence from her employer, packed her bags and left home.  Dorothy asked her sister Clara to watch over Michael who was 14 years old at the time.  Mary was 20 and in college away from home.  Dorothy told the same story to Clara (her sister), that she was depressed and needed to go away for awhile. 

Dorothy left home, no one knowing where she went other than she was seeking help for depression.  In October 1961, three months from my birth, Dorothy checked herself into a maternity home for unwed Mothers.  In January Dorothy gave birth to me and returned home to her family on February 9^th after signing the papers to relinquish me to Catholic Charities.   

Mary received my letter on Thursday but needed time to let this sink in and needed time to figure out the time frame of Dorothy’s “depression”.  Mary told me “now everything makes sense”.  Dorothy was not depressed, she was pregnant, and in 1962 Dorothy would have been ridiculed for being 39 years old, single and pregnant.  She was most likely ashamed and felt she could not admit to being pregnant to others in a small town so she hid from the world.  She hid me from the world.  This is the part that brings me great pain.  To know this beautiful woman was so ashamed to admit she needed someone one day and the result was me.  That she was so fearful that a town as small as her home town would not have accepted her and her new baby (me).  This kindhearted, compassionate, generous woman gave up a child, her child and mourned me the remainder of her life. 

My sister's voice...

I mailed my letter to Mary on August 19, 2012.  In my letter I had included two pictures of me taken over the summer of 2012.  Beside the fact that the lawn needed to be mowed that Sunday, August 26th, I needed to be kept busy.  I knew that Mary would have received the letter at the very latest on Friday, August 24th.  So from Friday until Sunday I was second guessing myself.  Did I do the right thing? What if I never hear back from her? Being I knew Dorothy was deceased should I have left well enough alone? I had so many questions in my head about the letter and what I thought would be Mary’s reaction, that I was on pins and needles the entire weekend.

I came inside the house when finished with the lawn to take a shower but of course I had to check my mobile phone to see if I had missed a call while outside mowing.  I was constantly checking my phone all week every chance I could. Disappointed when no one called and even more disappointed when a call rang through of someone I knew and it was not Mary.    Sure enough I did miss a call and it was from Mary, apprehensive to listen to the message on one hand and on the other hand so excited to see that Mary contacted me.  I listened to the voicemail message.  After identifying herself in the message the first words out of her mouth were “Oh Carol, I have to meet you, I want to meet you”.   I was dancing around the kitchen crying tears of joy!  I have a sister, who wants to meet me!  I have a sister!!! I was expecting us to talk and “maybe” meet someday but she sounded in her voicemail very excited to talk to me.  I have listened to her voicemail message so many times as it was the first time I heard my sister’s voice. 

Siblings ???

With my friend Gina’s help and her genealogy expertise we found out that Dorothy had two children prior to my birth.  Turns out I have a sister and a brother.  Mary who is 20 years older than me, and  Michael who is 15 years older than me.  I not only had their names but their address and phone number.  Were they my full sister and brother or half sister and brother?  This I could not find out unless I reached out to them.  Should I call Mary being she is the oldest? I thought to myself.   Mary lives in another state, so even though she is the oldest she lives far away.  Michael lives less than 15 miles from my home.  I decided I should reach out and call Michael.  Thank God for small miracles as I telephoned Michael with no plan in my mind as to what to say.  No one answered the phone and the voice mail picked up, I did not leave a message.  The next evening I telephoned Mary and her voicemail picked up, I did not leave a message.  Decided at this point that calling them was a bad idea.  How would I tell them I am their sister? Did they know about me?  How could they not know about me? I had so many questions swimming through my brain.  I decided I would write a letter and I would mail it to Mary out of respect for her being the oldest.  I signed onto my PC and wrote and wrote and wrote.  I had a finished letter but it was way too long.  Three days later with the letter replaying in my mind I sat down at the PC once again and perfected the letter to half of an 8 ½ by 11 piece of paper.  The letter was informative and to the point.  I was terrified to mail the letter, drove up to the mailbox, no one behind me at the drive through, said a small prayer, kissed the letter and dropped it in the mailbox.  Thought to myself “I had nothing to lose”.  Not really true, I had so much to lose, I was so fearful of rejection from Mary and Michael, worried that the same family would reject me a second time.  So I waited for a reply, the wait seemed like an eternity to me.  Patience….not an easy thing for me to practice.