The reunion...

We met at noon on Saturday, October 27, 2012.  We all agreed to meet at Lewis and Clark restaurant which is located on Saint Charles Main Street.  It was a beautiful day filled with sunshine and warmth.  I parked my car by the river front and walked the cobblestone street to the restaurant.  As I mentioned previous I had included two pictures of myself in my letter to Mary.  Mary, Michael and my sister-in-law Cindy all three knew what I looked like, I on the other hand had no idea what they looked like.  As I walked down Main Street towards the restaurant I actually passed the three of them as they were walking towards the restaurant and looking in shop windows.  I had made a reservation in Mary’s married name and told the hostess I was here and waiting for three others.  The hostess asked me if I wanted to sit at the table or wait in the entry way.  I chose to wait in the entry way as I was so nervous.  I sat down, I stood up and repeated, then realizing I could not breathe (nerves) I decided to step outside and get some air.   I opened the door to exit the restaurant and stand outside and as I opened the door there stood Mary, as if I was opening the door for her to enter the restaurant.  However, I had no clue that was Mary my sister on the other side of the door; it had appeared that I was opening the door for Mary to enter.  Mary said “Carol” I looked at her square in the eyes and said “Mary?” Mary said “where are you going?” I said, “I couldn’t breathe and needed some air” Mary said “that’s okay, I can’t breathe either”, we laughed. Being we were blocking the doorway now we all stepped outside to meet and introduce ourselves.  Mary opened her arms to hug me and I hugged her right back.  Mary introduced me to Cindy and we embraced, then Michael, I said to him “and you must be Michael” he smiled from ear to ear and reached out to hug me.  Michael is 6 foot something and when he hugged me I knew I was hugged.  Those hugs that day were the BEST hugs EVER for me!  To be 50 and just meet your siblings for the first time is breathtaking, it is surreal!

We decided to step inside the restaurant and get our table.  The waiter was there immediately and took our drink order, all of us ordering ice-tea with lemon.  Until the drinks came we all just looked at one another smiling, no words exchanged.  The waiter delivered the teas, Mary requested the waiter not to come back to our table for a good hour as we had a lot to discuss.   Mary is definitely the oldest of the three and by that I mean a real “take charge” person.  I too am a “take charge” person, I let Mary steer us in whatever direction she wanted this to take, I didn't care, I was just so happy.

Mary had asked me to fill Michael in on the discovery process and to explain to him why I took so long to search for Dorothy and them.  Both have since told me on many occasions that they wished I would have decided to search sooner, so much time we could have spent together.    

Like I mentioned before Mary is 20 years older than me, which makes her 70 until her next birthday in July.  Michael is 15 years older than me and is 65 until his next birthday in October and Cindy is one year older than me and is soon to be 52.  Mary is married to John and never had children.  Michael is married to Cindy and they never had children, and I am not married and no children. 

We talked and talked and talked, never without words or things to discuss.  We talked of Dorothy of course and how she would love that we were together.  I believe that Dorothy had a hand in this, I don’t know how but I strongly feel she wanted us to meet and be together.

We ordered our lunch and all ate slowly.  My mind started moving forward to our time ending and I felt extreme sadness as I never wanted the day to end.  I also felt anxious as I wanted them to be in my life forever, I didn’t want to force anything, but at the same time I needed some reassurance of their feelings of wanting to be in my life too.  Friday evening I had baked a pumpkin roll for dessert and depending on how the afternoon went I was going to invite them back to my home.  The afternoon at the restaurant went wonderfully so I extended an invitation to them to come back to my home for dessert and coffee.  I also said I would like to show them my baby album.  Mary responded first that she would LOVE to come to my home for dessert and coffee and look at pictures.  It was obvious that no one wanted the day to end.    We decided that Mary would ride in my car with me and Michael and Cindy would follow.  This gave Mary and I time to chat privately as we had spoken several times on the telephone prior to this meeting.  At a stop light I asked Mary “so where do we go from here? Will you and Michael still want to keep in touch with me?”  Mary said “Oh my dear, YES, we are family”. 

When we arrived at my home I started a pot of coffee and served the pumpkin roll with pumpkin ice-cream, everyone commenting that the dessert was heavenly and they would “keep me”.  After the dessert I broke out my baby album.  They quickly saw that I was born a red head and made mention of this saying that all of Dorothy’s siblings and children of the siblings were all born with red hair and that this trait completely confirms that I am her daughter, no doubt.  I mentioned that my hair slowly started turning towards blonde and by the time I was 2 years old I was a toe head. Mary said “yes, that is exactly how it happened with me and Michael too”.   

We spent hours together talking and laughing, exchanging mobile numbers and email addresses and talking of seeing one another again.  We hugged and hugged again, each telling me that they loved me and I too felt the same way about them and shared that with them.  The entire day was heaven sent.  I hated for it to end but it was the beginning of a beautiful relationship with each of them. 

This reunion was beautiful and wonderful but also bittersweet as I so wanted to meet Dorothy.  Dorothy was missing from this joyous reunion.  I know she was there with us in spirit and in her children’s hearts. According to Mary and Michael, Dorothy suffered great sadness after returning home from her “depression”, Dorothy rarely laughed, rarely smiled ever again.  Sad part is no one knew what was wrong; no one knew how to help Dorothy as Dorothy did not share the news of her pregnancy with any family member.

More to come….

Telling Michael....

As I mentioned in a previous post Mary was concerned about Michael’s reaction to discovering that his Mother kept such a huge secret and that he now had another sister.  Mary made arrangements to fly into STL on Thursday, October 25, 2012.  Mary had telephoned Michael several weeks prior to her visit to let him know she was going to come into town again.  Michael was concerned, very concerned that something was wrong with Mary, why else would she come into town when she was just here in the beginning of August.  Mary’s plane landed at Lambert at 11pm on 10/25, Michael was there to pick her up and drive her back to his home to spend the weekend and first couple days of the following week.  Mary had told me on one of our telephone conversations that she would wait to tell Michael the news until first thing Friday morning, after they all had a good night’s sleep.  Michael took several days off from work to spend time with Mary while she was in town.  I was on pins and needles as Mary told me that “if” Michael was not accepting of the news that she would have to postpone the “reunion”  for another time, another visit to STL.  I could barely stand hearing that, I really kicked up my prayers asking, begging, pleading with God to have their talk go smooth and to have Michael accept the news, accept me and have a desire to meet me.  I normally pray for God’s will, not this time, I told God what I wanted to become of this over and over, like a broken record.  I was relentless!  Looking back on this moment in time I see that my faith was weak over this journey in my life, I so wanted to learn more about my Mother, I so wanted a sister and a brother, I so wanted this to work out, I was so worried and anxious over the outcome not being in my favor that I forgot to keep the faith. 

Mary promised she would call me Friday afternoon and let me know how Michael handled the news and if positive we would all meet at a restaurant on Saturday afternoon to have our reunion.   Friday morning  October 26^th   while  I am at work my mobile phone rang, my caller-Id said it was Mary.  My heart stopped, why was she calling me so early in the day? Mary told me she would call me in the afternoon.  Immediately I grabbed the phone, answered it and bee lined for a private office to talk.  Mary was VERY cheerful and told me that when Michael picked her up at the airport that he was questioning her so much as to why she was in town, wanting to know what was wrong, insisting to know why and know now.  Mary managed to keep Michaels questions at bay in the car,  when they got inside of Michael’s home and got settled Mary took out the letter and pictures I had sent to her in August and showed the letter to Michael.  Michael was ecstatic to hear the news of having a new sister, he had so many questions that he and Mary stayed up all night talking of this “good and happy” news.  They also spoke of the sadness they saw their Mother go through and now understand what was wrong, wishing they would have known sooner so they could help her. Dorothy was grieving the loss of a child.  Upon hearing Mary tell me over the telephone that she and Michael looked forward to meeting me in person on Saturday I too was ecstatic and could barely focus the remainder of the day.

Proverbs 16:3

Invite the LORD into whatever you do and your plan will succeed.

Commit your works to the Lord and

your plans will be established.

Proverbs 16:3

Peace...

May today there be peace within.

 May you trust that

you are exactly where you are

meant to be.

May you not forget the infinite

possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others.

May you use the gifts that

you have received,

and pass on the love that has

been given to you.

 May you be content knowing

you are a child of God.

Let this presence settle into your bones and allow

your soul the freedom to sing,

dance, praise and love.

It is there for each and every

one of us.

and still more....

Mary mentioned she would mail to me some pictures of Dorothy but added that she wanted to meet me in person and soon.  She said she was just in Missouri visiting Michael and his wife Cindy and visited them yearly.  Mary said she was leaving on a cruise with her husband John but that when she returned home she would return to Missouri to meet me.  Mary asked me one favor; she wanted to be the one to tell Michael.  Mary said that Michael was Dorothy’s caregiver and they were very close, she wanted the news of me to come from her.  I agreed. 

more of the conversation....

I mentioned to Mary in our conversation that I would mail her a copy of my birth certificate if she needed to see proof that I am Dorothy’s daughter.  Mary said and this I do remember word for word, “Oh Carol, I don’t need to see any proof, you look exactly like Dorothy”. This gave me chills, happy chills.  Mary said when she opened the letter that my pictures fell out.  Mary said she didn’t know who I was but knew I was related to her.  Dorothy was 5’8, I am 5’8.  Dorothy had hazel eyes, I have hazel eyes.  Dorothy had natural blonde hair, I have natural blonde hair.  My facial features are exactly like Dorothy’s: ears, eyes, nose, cheek bones, everything is the same.  I found out Dorothy was quiet and serene, me, not so much.  Dorothy saved 4 cents of every nickel, me, not so much.  Dorothy was a very private person, me, not so much.  Dorothy loved to embroidery, me, I never tired it, I will someday as I might have a talent I have yet to discover. 

Conversation continued...

I found out so much from my conversation with Mary that day.  Dorothy was one of 10 children, 3 boys and 7 girls.  All of whom are deceased with the exception of one, my Aunt Viola who currently lives in Iowa.  As of today writing this post I have yet to meet her, Lord willing I will be meeting her this upcoming May and will of course post of that reunion. 

Of the nine deceased brothers and sisters all died before the age of 60 with the exception of two, Clara lived until 75 and Lawrence lived until 69. 

My mother, Dorothy died at age 58 from Cardiomyopathy. Dorothy suffered a stroke at the young age of 50 and ended up incapacitated and in a full time nursing facility where she died 8 years later.   

Mary was quick to tell me that heart disease runs in the family and I should be sure to get that checked out.  I actually do have Mitral Valve prolapse, which is quite common and minor, I have it monitored by having an echocardiogram every other year. 

The conversation....

While looking at the phone to see what time Mary called me, my phone rang and it was Mary calling me again.  I answered the phone with a simple “Hello”.  The conversation started off slow and full of apprehension on both of our parts.  It seems to me now that we both wanted something to become of this “new” finding, this new relationship that was just budding, that we did not want to say anything wrong that could hurt the other right out of the gate. 

I wish I could tell you that I remember the conversation word for word.  I do remember the highlights word for word, the little blips that mean so much to me to this day.  The BIG thing from the conversation was that Mary knew nothing about my birth.  Mary had no idea that I was ever even born nor did she know that Dorothy, her Mother was even pregnant with me. 

I know what you are thinking right about now…NO WAY, you can’t hide a pregnancy?!  Well Dorothy did.  Dorothy had to conceive me in April 1961 in order for me to be born in January 1962.  In May she told her family, Mary and Michael that she was feeling depressed and that she needed to seek help.  She told them she needed to “go away” for awhile.  She needed to feel better.  Dorothy took a leave of absence from her employer, packed her bags and left home.  Dorothy asked her sister Clara to watch over Michael who was 14 years old at the time.  Mary was 20 and in college away from home.  Dorothy told the same story to Clara (her sister), that she was depressed and needed to go away for awhile. 

Dorothy left home, no one knowing where she went other than she was seeking help for depression.  In October 1961, three months from my birth, Dorothy checked herself into a maternity home for unwed Mothers.  In January Dorothy gave birth to me and returned home to her family on February 9^th after signing the papers to relinquish me to Catholic Charities.   

Mary received my letter on Thursday but needed time to let this sink in and needed time to figure out the time frame of Dorothy’s “depression”.  Mary told me “now everything makes sense”.  Dorothy was not depressed, she was pregnant, and in 1962 Dorothy would have been ridiculed for being 39 years old, single and pregnant.  She was most likely ashamed and felt she could not admit to being pregnant to others in a small town so she hid from the world.  She hid me from the world.  This is the part that brings me great pain.  To know this beautiful woman was so ashamed to admit she needed someone one day and the result was me.  That she was so fearful that a town as small as her home town would not have accepted her and her new baby (me).  This kindhearted, compassionate, generous woman gave up a child, her child and mourned me the remainder of her life. 

My sister's voice...

I mailed my letter to Mary on August 19, 2012.  In my letter I had included two pictures of me taken over the summer of 2012.  Beside the fact that the lawn needed to be mowed that Sunday, August 26th, I needed to be kept busy.  I knew that Mary would have received the letter at the very latest on Friday, August 24th.  So from Friday until Sunday I was second guessing myself.  Did I do the right thing? What if I never hear back from her? Being I knew Dorothy was deceased should I have left well enough alone? I had so many questions in my head about the letter and what I thought would be Mary’s reaction, that I was on pins and needles the entire weekend.

I came inside the house when finished with the lawn to take a shower but of course I had to check my mobile phone to see if I had missed a call while outside mowing.  I was constantly checking my phone all week every chance I could. Disappointed when no one called and even more disappointed when a call rang through of someone I knew and it was not Mary.    Sure enough I did miss a call and it was from Mary, apprehensive to listen to the message on one hand and on the other hand so excited to see that Mary contacted me.  I listened to the voicemail message.  After identifying herself in the message the first words out of her mouth were “Oh Carol, I have to meet you, I want to meet you”.   I was dancing around the kitchen crying tears of joy!  I have a sister, who wants to meet me!  I have a sister!!! I was expecting us to talk and “maybe” meet someday but she sounded in her voicemail very excited to talk to me.  I have listened to her voicemail message so many times as it was the first time I heard my sister’s voice. 

Siblings ???

With my friend Gina’s help and her genealogy expertise we found out that Dorothy had two children prior to my birth.  Turns out I have a sister and a brother.  Mary who is 20 years older than me, and  Michael who is 15 years older than me.  I not only had their names but their address and phone number.  Were they my full sister and brother or half sister and brother?  This I could not find out unless I reached out to them.  Should I call Mary being she is the oldest? I thought to myself.   Mary lives in another state, so even though she is the oldest she lives far away.  Michael lives less than 15 miles from my home.  I decided I should reach out and call Michael.  Thank God for small miracles as I telephoned Michael with no plan in my mind as to what to say.  No one answered the phone and the voice mail picked up, I did not leave a message.  The next evening I telephoned Mary and her voicemail picked up, I did not leave a message.  Decided at this point that calling them was a bad idea.  How would I tell them I am their sister? Did they know about me?  How could they not know about me? I had so many questions swimming through my brain.  I decided I would write a letter and I would mail it to Mary out of respect for her being the oldest.  I signed onto my PC and wrote and wrote and wrote.  I had a finished letter but it was way too long.  Three days later with the letter replaying in my mind I sat down at the PC once again and perfected the letter to half of an 8 ½ by 11 piece of paper.  The letter was informative and to the point.  I was terrified to mail the letter, drove up to the mailbox, no one behind me at the drive through, said a small prayer, kissed the letter and dropped it in the mailbox.  Thought to myself “I had nothing to lose”.  Not really true, I had so much to lose, I was so fearful of rejection from Mary and Michael, worried that the same family would reject me a second time.  So I waited for a reply, the wait seemed like an eternity to me.  Patience….not an easy thing for me to practice.

No birth announcements....

I can only assume that on the actual day I was born that my Mother Dorothy was in the delivery room along with the doctor and nurses.  I assume it was a normal delivery, not a C-section.  I can only assume these things as I have no one to ask.  Was Dorothy happy to give birth to me? Happy in that was she happy the ordeal was over and she could return home to her family? Or was Dorothy sad that once she gave birth she would have limited time to spend with me before placing me for adoption?  I do know that no one was waiting for me to be born that day.  There was no one waiting in the waiting room.  There were no cheers or announcements.  I do know that Dorothy signed the adoption paperwork on 2/9/62 –so from 1/21/62 until 2/9/62 there were 19 days that I was in the hospital and so was Dorothy.  Did she spend time with me?  I have checked with Catholic Charities and there is nothing in my file (so they say) that says anything about Dorothy spending any time with me.  I was told that in those days there were some who believed that if the Mother spent time with the infant that the Mother would change her mind about adoption.  I believe in my heart that Dorothy held me.  I would like to believe that she held me for 19 days, counted my fingers and toes and fed me, loved on me and cried on me.  Dorothy carried me in her womb for nine months, during that time she talked, laughed and cried.  I had to bond with that voice, her smell.  I had to wonder after my birth “where did she go”.  I have tried to remember her voice and it can’t be done.  I believe that a newborn would mourn the loss of the Mother who gave life if she was no longer there.  There had to be some connection between Mother and child and once that connection was broken the infant had to feel a loss of some kind.  We know that the Mother feels a loss, in most cases the remainder of her life.    I also know that I was adopted on 3/7/62 – from 2/9/62 until 3/7/62 Catholic Charities has no record of where I was, only that I was in the Foster Care system.  This bothers me.  I know everything turns out well, but “where was I?”  Isn’t that odd that no one knows?

Desiderata ~ Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

 it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Before I go on....

Before I go any further with this blog I need to tell you about my WONDERFUL parents who raised me since I was an infant.  They picked me up on March 7, 1962 at Catholic Charities on Lindell and have loved me unconditionally ever since.  Even though I was baptized Anna from my natural Mother, Dorothy, I was baptized again in the Catholic Church with my Aunt and Uncle being my Godparents.  My name was changed legally to Carol Marie.  My Mom and Dad brought me home on March 7^th and introduced me to my Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, cousins.  I was loved by all and I loved each and every one of them.  They were and are my family.  No one on my Mom’s side made me feel anything but love.  I was accepted from day one.  I don’t ever remember the word “adopted” used by any one of them.  My parents love me and gave to me a wonderful life.  They supported me in all my many endeavors in life.   They were there for me when I was sick.  They were there to celebrate with me my accomplishments.  They educated me.  They laughed with me and cried with me.  They told me that I could do anything I set my mind to do and then supported me and cheered me on as I did it.  There was nothing I could not do, if I believed I could do it, then I could.  That is how I was raised.  I was raised in a faith filled home, a home where we sat down together every evening for dinner and prayed for the food on the table and discussed our day together as a family.  I was taught values, good moral values.  I was raised and taught kindness, compassion, respect, honesty, peacemaking, confidence, contentment, fulfillment, courage, independence, satisfaction, how to work and how to play ~ balance in life, and to be myself.   I was given freedom to succeed and to make mistakes.  I was an only child but never a lonely child. 

Before I go any further I also want to tell you that I have my parents full support on this new journey my life is taking.  I have their “blessing” to search, they know they are loved and appreciated by me and wish me only the best life has to offer.  They are excited for this new family I have discovered and support me every step of the way. 

I have been blessed in my life and for this I am VERY grateful! 

Anna...my Grandmother's name

My friend Gina, who I attended grade school and high school with, was into genealogy.  She tracked her Mother’s and Father’s side of her family all the way back to the beginning of time.  She also did the genealogy on her husband’s family.  Plus she helped others out in tracing back their family trees.  I was only interested in finding out more about Dorothy and if Dorothy had other children besides me.  Gina and I met and talked for hours and by the end of the first week I knew Dorothy's parents were Joseph and Anna.  Remember me telling you that Dorothy named me Anna Christine?  Well when Gina told me who Dorothy’s parents were it reinforced that Dorothy did love me.  Dorothy named me after her own beloved Mother, Anna.  If you choose to name your child after one of your parents that is a sign of love.  Dorothy named me Anna after her own beloved Mother before sending me out into the world.  Anna, my Grandmother, was to watch over me once Dorothy sent me on my way. 

Quote

You never really understand a person

until you consider things from his point of view...

until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.

~ Harper Lee - To Kill a Mockingbird ~

Quote ~ Pericles

What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments,

 but what is woven into the lives of others. 

~  Pericles ~

I will never.....

I was struck with such deep sorrow, such extreme sadness at the learning of the death of my Mother Dorothy 32 years ago.  Dorothy, a woman who I never met, a woman who I knew nothing about.  I didn’t know what she looked liked, what she liked.  What made her happy?  What made her sad?  What brought her joy?  What stole her joy?  Yet I knew one thing, I would never get to meet her.  I was grieving her.  I am grieving her.  I feel great compassion for her.  I feel great gratitude for her.  I am so thankful for her decision to give birth to me and thankful she did not choose abortion.  I am proud of her.  I love her! Yet I am mourning the loss of a reunion that would never happen and connection what would never be made.  I will never look into her eyes.  I will never hear her voice.  I will never hold her hand.  I will never hug her.  I will never kiss her. I will never smell her scent.  Dorothy’s death would be my greatest loss, my darkest hole, my own personal demon.  Dorothy struggled in her lifetime with her sense of loss for me, her grief for me and now I am feeling the same feelings of loss for her.  She lost a child, a union, part of herself.  She never knew what became of me.  She never knew if I was happy.  She never knew if I was treated well.  She never knew if I was even alive.  She didn’t even know if I knew I was adopted.  NOT knowing is agonizing. 

Didn't see that one coming...

Dorothy was 39 years of age when she gave birth to me in 1962.  For me the search was simple, I keyed in her full name into a Google search and I quickly saw through the Social Security Death Index that Dorothy was deceased.  I had finally made up my mind to search; I had finally gotten the courage I needed to proceed in this journey.   The search ended in an instant.  Dead.  Dorothy died at the age of 58.   I did not see that one coming. Dorothy passed away in 1981.  In 1981 I was 19 years of age.  My Mom gave me my birth certificate when I was 21 years of age.  I never had a chance of ever finding Dorothy alive.  A friend suggested I look for siblings.  “Why?” I said.  “Why would Dorothy have other children?”  “If she didn’t want me why would she have other children?”  I assumed that being Dorothy gave birth to me at the age of 39 I must have been her first and last child…right? After all 39 and pregnant and unwed in 1962, there was no way I would have siblings…right?

As hard as I try I can’t remember what I was doing on September 29, 1981.  It was just another day for me.  I wonder now that if on that day maybe I felt something when Dorothy died.  Did I have a premonition that something I was not conscious of was happening? Maybe I had a twinge of pain or a sudden unexplainable sadness.  Maybe I had an uneasy feeling all day long, and having not known my Mother or knew she was dying I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling uneasy.  I have tried to figure out where I was on this day, I just can't remember that specific day in my life.  I would like to believe that on that day I felt something that I could not explain. 

Desire won...

I did not act on this desire to begin a search for Dorothy until August 2012.  Why?  I was terrified! I was terrified that “if” I found my Mother she would want nothing to do with me.  After all, she gave me away.  I realized that I could not live with myself if I did not find her and I could not live with the regret of never trying to find her. 

Desire

Fast forward again to January 21, 2012 my 50^th birthday, a milestone birthday.  I woke up on this day with an enormous desire in my heart to find my natural Mother.  I believe that it was the Holy Spirit encouraging me to do so on this milestone birthday.  I believe that someone wanted me to find Dorothy (my natural Mother).  Was it God? Jesus? the Holy Spirit? Did Dorothy want to be found and did she encourage the Holy Spirit to place this desire in my heart?  So many questions, so many emotions. 

Isaiah 43:18-19

The pages of your past cannot be rewritten,

but the pages of your tomorrows are blank.

*~*~* 

The Lord says, "Forget what happened before, and do not think about the past.
Look at the new thing I am going to do. It is already happening. Don't you see it? 
I will make a road in the desert and rivers in the dry land.

Isaiah 43:18-19

Pedro Arrupe

Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is, than falling in a love in a quite absolute, final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the mornings, what you will do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything.   ~ Pedro Arrupe

Thomas Merton - Thoughts in Solitude

 My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

The bully...

When I was a little girl at the young impressionable age of six or seven I was outside playing and Lori a next door neighbor who was my same age and in my homeroom class at school, came of out of nowhere and confronted me very matter of fact pointing her finger at me and saying along the lines that she had found out I was adopted and told me all the while pointing her finger at me that “even your own Mother did not love you” “even your own Mother did not want you”.  Those words have affected my entire life to this day.  My parents told me at a very early age that I was adopted.  I really don’t think I understood it then, I actually know that I did not understand it.  But they told me I was and they also always told me that my natural Mother loved me so much and she knew she could not give me the type of life she wanted to give me so she gave me up to a family who so wanted a child, and who could give that child a wonderful life.  That it was because my Mother loved me that she gave me up.  However, Lori’s words to me made so much more sense to me at the time.  After all, if you don’t love something, if you don’t want something you certainly don’t keep it.  You don’t keep what you don’t want or don’t love.  So who did I believe?   Did I believe what my parents were telling me OR did I believe what Lori was telling me?  I believed Lori! I believed Lori my entire life.  I don’t only believe her words to be true I believed my parents lied to me. 

I see now that it was those very words, “even your own Mother don’t love you, even your own Mother don’t want you” those words kept me from searching for my natural Mother earlier in life.  I wanted to search for her, I was terrified she would spit in my face had I found her.  Telling me that she gave me up 50 plus years ago and certainly does not want me now.  I believe those words Lori spoke are the reason I seek reassurance from others, why I am so fearful of rejection.  Why I can never surrender my heart in a loving relationship 100%. 

I have finally figured out the reason I did not ever want anyone to know I was adopted and that is because I did not want anyone to know my OWN Mother did not love me, my OWN Mother did not want me.  If she did not love me, if she did not want me then how could anyone else love or want me? In telling someone I was adopted was telling them “don’t love me, don’t want me”. 

Legacy of an Adopted Child ~ Author Unknown

Once there were two women who never knew each other,
One - you do not remember, the other you call mother.
Two different lives shaped to make yours,
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.
The first gave you life, and the second taught you to live in it.
The first gave you a need for love and the second was there to give it.
One gave you a nationality; the other gave you a name.
One gave you the seed of talent; the other gave you an aim.
One gave you emotions; the other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile; the other dried your tears.
One gave you up - that's all she could do.
The other prayed for a child and God led her straight to you.
Now you ask through all your tears the age-old question through the years;
Heredity or environment - which are you a product of?
Neither, my darling - neither - just two different kinds of love.

I have a name....

Fast forward to Spring of 1983, I had turned 21 years of age that winter.  My Mom and I spent the day together running some errands, shopping and lunch.  During one of the errands my Mom wanted to run into a store, told me to stay in the car and while I was waiting for her return to read the papers she handed to me.  It was my a copy of a birth certificate.  The birth certificate had my date of birth on it but had a different name, Anna Christine.  Showed a name of the Mother as Dorothy and a last name.  Father: unknown.  I quickly realized this was MY birth certificate.  I was completely blown away as I had no idea I had a different name at one time.  I also had never knew my Mother’s name and address before.  I never knew my Mother’s age before and I had no clue my Father was unknown.  This “Mother” never had a name to me before.  Putting a name to her image in my mind made her real.  Me having a different name than what I now go by (Carol) was surreal.  I never knew “this woman”, Dorothy, who took the time to name me and to have me baptized.  What did this mean? Did this mean she loved me?  I had always assumed she did not love me, she did not want me and therefore she would never have named me.  My natural Mother had named me and a beautiful name it was.  In my mind my natural Mother was a silhouette of a woman, a nameless woman without a face.  Now my natural Mother has a name and an age and now when I think of her and wonder I can call her Dorothy.  She is real now and I have so many questions.

And so it began...

Definition of adopted: Legally take another's child and bring it up as one's own.

I was born on January 21, 1962 at Firmin Desloge Hospital in St. Louis, Missouri.  And there most stories would begin.  However, my life began the day I was adopted, March 7, 1962.  I never knew anything about my life those 45 days between birth and adoption.  I had a wonderful childhood.  I grew up in a faith filled home surrounded by two very loving parents.  I was told I was adopted since I was brought home from Catholic Charities.  I don’t think I understood what it meant to be adopted, what it really meant, until much later in life. 

I will be posting to this blog as a kind of therapy for me and I hope that other adoptees, birth mothers, adoptive parents will comment to my posts in hopes to understand and grow together in our understanding of this triad of love.  In a city the size of St. Louis there are no support groups for the adopted person.  I intend for this blog to be a support group.  I hope those who stop by will help achieve this.