The bully...

When I was a little girl at the young impressionable age of six or seven I was outside playing and Lori a next door neighbor who was my same age and in my homeroom class at school, came of out of nowhere and confronted me very matter of fact pointing her finger at me and saying along the lines that she had found out I was adopted and told me all the while pointing her finger at me that “even your own Mother did not love you” “even your own Mother did not want you”.  Those words have affected my entire life to this day.  My parents told me at a very early age that I was adopted.  I really don’t think I understood it then, I actually know that I did not understand it.  But they told me I was and they also always told me that my natural Mother loved me so much and she knew she could not give me the type of life she wanted to give me so she gave me up to a family who so wanted a child, and who could give that child a wonderful life.  That it was because my Mother loved me that she gave me up.  However, Lori’s words to me made so much more sense to me at the time.  After all, if you don’t love something, if you don’t want something you certainly don’t keep it.  You don’t keep what you don’t want or don’t love.  So who did I believe?   Did I believe what my parents were telling me OR did I believe what Lori was telling me?  I believed Lori! I believed Lori my entire life.  I don’t only believe her words to be true I believed my parents lied to me. 

I see now that it was those very words, “even your own Mother don’t love you, even your own Mother don’t want you” those words kept me from searching for my natural Mother earlier in life.  I wanted to search for her, I was terrified she would spit in my face had I found her.  Telling me that she gave me up 50 plus years ago and certainly does not want me now.  I believe those words Lori spoke are the reason I seek reassurance from others, why I am so fearful of rejection.  Why I can never surrender my heart in a loving relationship 100%. 

I have finally figured out the reason I did not ever want anyone to know I was adopted and that is because I did not want anyone to know my OWN Mother did not love me, my OWN Mother did not want me.  If she did not love me, if she did not want me then how could anyone else love or want me? In telling someone I was adopted was telling them “don’t love me, don’t want me”.